So I recently had a friend go through a very unpleasant and disrespectful experience. What do you do when someone you consider just a "friend" pops up at your home unannounced while you are entertaining company???? Let's say said "friend" storms in your house. Walks around slamming doors like they live there. Basically they just show their ass. How did we get to this point???
Let's start with the man-You have a girlfriend (that you live with), you have "groupies" that claim to "love' you because of your job. In your mind your the man! You've got females fighting over you, wanting to be with you. Then you've got this female that you consider a friend. You're close. You can "be yourself" around her. She knows about all the many females in your life. You might sleep together occasionally. You call her your best friend.
Now to the female-You know all of his business. You help him look for a job, fill out applications, etc because the other females he deals with can't or won't. You have him take your car to be serviced. You ask him to drop off a bill payment somewhere while you're at work. You let him use your car. You used to let him stay at your house while you were gone. You let him know you're seeing someone else...sometimes. Though if you're asked you consider yourself to be single. He knows every step you make and with whom as you know his.
Where did the problem come in???? How did you go from being "friends" to contemplating a 50-B? Well my friends it's simple. Though she considered herself single and saw other people her actions portrayed a relationship. Granted it wasn't your "usual" or "typical" relationship but it was a relationship nonetheless. When you spend time with someone regularly there is a very real possibility that one or both parties will start to develop feelings. The issue comes in when you try to remain "friends" instead of cutting ties completely. Going out together, taking trips together, doing things for each other....these things walk the thin line between a simple friendship and a relationship.
We as women have a hard time setting expectations and standards when it comes to the men in our lives. We have an even harder time MAKING the men in our lives live up the our standards and expectations. When you settle for less, that is exactly what you will get. Not making a man live up to your expectations and/or standards leads us to the problem my friend experienced. Her "friend" showed up acting like he was her man causing to her lose a good friend and what could have possibly been a good significant other.
Could this situation have been avoided? My answer is yes. When we as women start to speak our minds, making the men in our lives be men, making sure the live up the standards and expectations set for them we can avoid these situations. Consider this: In the beginning you tell him you don't want anything more than friendship. When he started to develop those feelings that was the time to take a step back and say "Listen I'm not ready for this" or even "I don't want to be in a relationship". Or a conversation could have been had from the beginning-I like you. I think you're OK. I just want to sleep with you though, because I don't want a relationship right now. (Not that it helps-honestly sex only complicates things more)This definitely could have prevented said man (or woman) from popping up at your house. Please don't think I'm being unfair. There are plenty of good men out there right now miserable because they lowered their standards or expectations of the woman in their lives. This is not a gender specific problem.
Men and women both have problems discerning when to allow someone to continue being in their lives. I've seen both men and women stay in toxic relationships because it was "comfortable" or "familiar" or maybe because they had been so mentally abused they actually believed it when the other person said "No one will want you but me". Everyone is not meant to be in your life forever. We've all seen the chain email that speaks of people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Most of the people we interact with are seasonal friends or reason friends. They came into your life for a reason-to help you learn some type of lesson. Seasonal friends are just that-seasonal. We need to learn when to let these people go. Lifetime friends don't come along all that often so if you have one and can recognize them as such, hold onto them!! Those are the friends we call angels. As Pastor Williams says, stop trying to hold onto something that God has not ordained for you! Speaking from my experiences I can say it only brings heartache.
So who was right and who was wrong? This is one of those situations where you can't really place blame. Yeah some people might say that he was wrong for just popping up like that (he was) but at the same time she was wrong for continuing to feed into the "friendship". If he had been a real man he wouldn't have cared who was at her house because it's not his concern. His girlfriend should be his concern. If she had been more honest with either guy(the one who popped up or the good friend she lost) the situation might have turned out differently. He might not have popped up. Her friend may have understood the situation better. But life is not lived on maybes, should'ves, or would'ves. So my friends learn from this lesson. Be honest up front with anyone you think you may interested in romantically. Let then know what you will accept and what you won't accept and stick to it!! Above all that, be honest with yourself. After all, lying to yourself doesn't help in any way. Learn when to walk away (even if it hurts). Learn when to speak up. Who knows what could happen the next time? I don't want to see any of my friends, loved ones, or enemies on the news over a situation like this.
Peace and love.
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